Eid Mubarak!

Wishing Eid Mubarak to all my Muslim friends from all over the world!

I am proud to say that Naseer fasted the whole month, Feroz missed 3 days and Zahra missed a day. No training given to Feroz and Zahra, this is their first year fasting and they managed.

Things have not been very smooth over my side, I feel sad and beaten....but the kids always keep my spirits up. At times like this, you just know the reason why God created kids for parents.

Just remembering....

Today marks the exact 12 years since my sister breathed her last.
She passed away on the 30th July 1997 at approximately 5am.

Though 12 years have passed, I can never forget her.
May Allah bless your soul always.

A Prayer

At this point of time, I just need God to grant me some strength and patience.

Please God, help me go through this period in my life.

Thank you.

Dear Diary,

I am just thinking about the frequency of my updates in my blog. I wish I have more time to do it. Things have been happening and most of the times, these evoked my feelings to the utmost that I could not really fathom.

I was just looking through my old diaries recently. I had so many memories, good and bad, and things that happened in my life before were simply hilarious and provoking at the same time.

I sat back and asked if I was really that person back then and I had to do some check with some people who were involved in the previous incidents just to confirm that some things really happened.

Strangely, they affirmed it and through some distant memory, I began to recall some things which I had totally forgotten.

I want to share this entry I made in my diary back in Dec 2000. At that point of time, I remembered that I was in my lowest pit.

"Dear Diary, H came running into the room sobbing. I was pumping as usual and since I did not want to affect the flow I just avoided looking at her. She cried so much I began to wonder if something had happened to her son. Aiyah, can imagine how uncomfortable I felt, so might as well stop pumping and just ask her what the hell is making her cry like that right.
She said something that really made me hate God!!
J's baby just died. J's 29 weeker little girl whose weight was barely 500grams died. That little girl who was born too early, too small, too sick just died. Just like that, she died!
SHE DIED DIARY!! SHE DIED!!
You must be wondering why it affected H so much right? Because H has been pumping and donating her milk to J's baby. J had not enoough milk and H had volunteered to spare some bottles of her milk for J's baby to help improve her immunity, grow faster and get better faster.
"Is it because of my milk Aishah? Is it? If it was, then please, please God forgive me!" Of course it was not because of her milk. It was because J's baby was too small and too sick and too early, and God decided to take her away!
But why did God let that happen? How could HE do that to a little baby?! I am so angry with God! He made cute little babies, make them kick in their mummies tummies and then He let them come out early, sick and take them away??? Why cant He just do that to sickos adults who do not deserve to live?! Why must He do that to little babies who are so innocent? To teach their parents a lesson? Well, if that was His intention, then He is doing a damn good job!
You hear me God?? You are doing one damn good job!! You know damn well where to hurt us the most right?? Did You think by doing that, it will make us realise and bring us closer to you? Well, if that was the case, then You think wrong God!! You just made us question your existence and if You are fair after all!! How could you do that?? She was just a little baby!
Diary, I was so sad I had to leave the room. I sat in the food court the whole afternoon coz I know that J would come into the room and I just could not face her.
I am so angry with God today I did not pray. I want God to know how angry I was! I know He already know that but I just have to retaliate right? Diary, I am tired. I want to sleep."

I was quite shocked with myself when I read that entry. So much anger with God and at that point of time, I did not even think of thanking Him for not taking my son away, instead, I blamed Him for taking another baby away.
Emotions, you give in to them, your heart rules you, not your head.

Strength

I apologize for my absence. It is not that I did not have the time to surf the net. I do. But I just dont know what to update on the blog anymore.
Maybe, my life at work has truly become so mundane and almost unbelievably predictable that I feel it is not worth being penned down.

Having said that, many things are still happening in my life.

Workwise, I have made many good friends all round the globe but ultimately, good friends only remain as good friends when you are with them. Absence do not make the heart grow fonder, that only applies for a couple in love.

There was a particular colleague whom I have grown very fond of. We shared many happy moments together but there is always an end to everything. Good things dont last forever.

At home, the Queen is a little up to her usual antiques. But it just slides off my back. I have grown accustomed and has finally learnt that life is not about fretting over what other people say or think. Life is about what I feel and how I make it worth living.

Along the way, I have to admit that I have become selfish, protective over my own time and decision and I am leaning a lot on my instincts and hunches. So far, so good. God has not failed me. Even if I made various wrong decisions, there is always something good out of it.

Sometimes, a lesson learnt is worth a decade of experience.
Never give up, never give up.

Faith

I am tired.

I am exhausted.

I am disheartened.

When things happen, you questioned yourself as to why it happens and if it is all worth it.

Then, I think, yes, I have to fall in the course of the run. But there is no harm in falling, coz you can always get up again and finish the race.

Yeah, I will not give up. There is always something good out of this. I believe and I have faith that things will work out for us.

Time will tell.

So darn dumb!

Today, the spouse dropped me at Collyer Quay coz I needed to go to our favorite money changer.
So, as usual, I stepped out of the car and headed to the escalator. As I was standing on the escalator, somehow, I dont know how, my two legs got entangled and I fell forward.
I was so embarrassed but I was quite sure that I was pretty much alone then but I had to turn and see an Indian man, a total stranger, standing a few steps behind me on the escalator.
He just gestured to me asking me to slow down and not to rush.
Stupid me had to look at him and say, "Ssshhhh, dont tell anyone you saw me fell ok."

Then after that I turned and only then, I realised what I just said.
I quickly walked on and did not turn back at all.
I cant imagine I actually said that, embarrassing myself twice.

Stupid right!