A Prayer

At this point of time, I just need God to grant me some strength and patience.

Please God, help me go through this period in my life.

Thank you.

Dear Diary,

I am just thinking about the frequency of my updates in my blog. I wish I have more time to do it. Things have been happening and most of the times, these evoked my feelings to the utmost that I could not really fathom.

I was just looking through my old diaries recently. I had so many memories, good and bad, and things that happened in my life before were simply hilarious and provoking at the same time.

I sat back and asked if I was really that person back then and I had to do some check with some people who were involved in the previous incidents just to confirm that some things really happened.

Strangely, they affirmed it and through some distant memory, I began to recall some things which I had totally forgotten.

I want to share this entry I made in my diary back in Dec 2000. At that point of time, I remembered that I was in my lowest pit.

"Dear Diary, H came running into the room sobbing. I was pumping as usual and since I did not want to affect the flow I just avoided looking at her. She cried so much I began to wonder if something had happened to her son. Aiyah, can imagine how uncomfortable I felt, so might as well stop pumping and just ask her what the hell is making her cry like that right.
She said something that really made me hate God!!
J's baby just died. J's 29 weeker little girl whose weight was barely 500grams died. That little girl who was born too early, too small, too sick just died. Just like that, she died!
SHE DIED DIARY!! SHE DIED!!
You must be wondering why it affected H so much right? Because H has been pumping and donating her milk to J's baby. J had not enoough milk and H had volunteered to spare some bottles of her milk for J's baby to help improve her immunity, grow faster and get better faster.
"Is it because of my milk Aishah? Is it? If it was, then please, please God forgive me!" Of course it was not because of her milk. It was because J's baby was too small and too sick and too early, and God decided to take her away!
But why did God let that happen? How could HE do that to a little baby?! I am so angry with God! He made cute little babies, make them kick in their mummies tummies and then He let them come out early, sick and take them away??? Why cant He just do that to sickos adults who do not deserve to live?! Why must He do that to little babies who are so innocent? To teach their parents a lesson? Well, if that was His intention, then He is doing a damn good job!
You hear me God?? You are doing one damn good job!! You know damn well where to hurt us the most right?? Did You think by doing that, it will make us realise and bring us closer to you? Well, if that was the case, then You think wrong God!! You just made us question your existence and if You are fair after all!! How could you do that?? She was just a little baby!
Diary, I was so sad I had to leave the room. I sat in the food court the whole afternoon coz I know that J would come into the room and I just could not face her.
I am so angry with God today I did not pray. I want God to know how angry I was! I know He already know that but I just have to retaliate right? Diary, I am tired. I want to sleep."

I was quite shocked with myself when I read that entry. So much anger with God and at that point of time, I did not even think of thanking Him for not taking my son away, instead, I blamed Him for taking another baby away.
Emotions, you give in to them, your heart rules you, not your head.

Strength

I apologize for my absence. It is not that I did not have the time to surf the net. I do. But I just dont know what to update on the blog anymore.
Maybe, my life at work has truly become so mundane and almost unbelievably predictable that I feel it is not worth being penned down.

Having said that, many things are still happening in my life.

Workwise, I have made many good friends all round the globe but ultimately, good friends only remain as good friends when you are with them. Absence do not make the heart grow fonder, that only applies for a couple in love.

There was a particular colleague whom I have grown very fond of. We shared many happy moments together but there is always an end to everything. Good things dont last forever.

At home, the Queen is a little up to her usual antiques. But it just slides off my back. I have grown accustomed and has finally learnt that life is not about fretting over what other people say or think. Life is about what I feel and how I make it worth living.

Along the way, I have to admit that I have become selfish, protective over my own time and decision and I am leaning a lot on my instincts and hunches. So far, so good. God has not failed me. Even if I made various wrong decisions, there is always something good out of it.

Sometimes, a lesson learnt is worth a decade of experience.
Never give up, never give up.

Faith

I am tired.

I am exhausted.

I am disheartened.

When things happen, you questioned yourself as to why it happens and if it is all worth it.

Then, I think, yes, I have to fall in the course of the run. But there is no harm in falling, coz you can always get up again and finish the race.

Yeah, I will not give up. There is always something good out of this. I believe and I have faith that things will work out for us.

Time will tell.

So darn dumb!

Today, the spouse dropped me at Collyer Quay coz I needed to go to our favorite money changer.
So, as usual, I stepped out of the car and headed to the escalator. As I was standing on the escalator, somehow, I dont know how, my two legs got entangled and I fell forward.
I was so embarrassed but I was quite sure that I was pretty much alone then but I had to turn and see an Indian man, a total stranger, standing a few steps behind me on the escalator.
He just gestured to me asking me to slow down and not to rush.
Stupid me had to look at him and say, "Ssshhhh, dont tell anyone you saw me fell ok."

Then after that I turned and only then, I realised what I just said.
I quickly walked on and did not turn back at all.
I cant imagine I actually said that, embarrassing myself twice.

Stupid right!

Thank you God!

"I am small. I am an ant in this world.
There is nothing for me to brag about coz I have nothing.

Sometimes, a slap in the face is not enough to make us realise how small we really are.
We work hard and succeeded in certain things but do we really have ourselves to credit?

I believe in the power of prayers. I believe in the existence of God and that He can hear us and He can see us.
I have fallen many times and beg Him to pull me up, so far He has never failed me.

But when I stray and sort of decide to lead my life the way I want, I felt that He did keep a distance for a while. But He did not forget me entirely. He came back when I regretted my actions and make things right for me."



These past few weeks has been a trying period for the spouse and myself.
But we held on and had faith that things will work out.

I was very positive that God was watching us and He will work things out for us.

The spouse was down and I had to keep his head up.
When I was down, the spouse in turn told me that it was just a test, and it will pass.

It passed.

God had something else in place for us and we felt blessed that He was watching and He helped.

Have faith! God is always there for us.

As long as we do what is right and never hurt or harm others, I believe God knows what is right for us, takes care of us and He will make sure that things will turn out right for us.

He just did!
Thank you God!

Will we ever be ready?

A few days ago, the spouse told me his intention to bring me to a place where we both had always wanted to go. I was ecstatic but I was also having mixed feelings.
I told him that I was unprepared. He did not push it, he just said that if I was unprepared then he would go alone.
I was hesitant. I dont know why.

Last night, we went to visit my parents. We talked to them about it and my mother was so happy for me. She told me to grab the chance and go. My father also told me that I must go.
I was still hesitant.

In the car, I told the spouse how I felt. He told me this,
"No one is ever prepared to do anything. No matter how much preparation we made, do you think we were really 100% ready once we are faced with it?"

He was right. Insya'Allah, God will give me strength and courage to do this.