Because I can feel it here.

Last night, my second son, Feroz, and I had a little chat before dozing off to sleep. He suddenly asked me,
"Why does daddy love me so much?" I was taken aback,
"Are you saying that I dont love you as much as daddy?"
"No, daddy loves me more."
"What makes you think that he loves you more?" And his answer blew me away.
"Because I can feel it here (he pointed to his heart)"
Then he went on to say "When daddy comes back from work, I want to sleep next to him on the bed. I miss him."
"I'll tell him to carry you to the bed , ok." He nodded, turned and went to sleep.

My husband and Feroz has a special bond. Feroz is born premature and the moment he was out of my womb, my husband was the first to hold him for a moment before he was quickly whisked away to the NICU. He spent almost 4months in the hospital waiting to reach the right weight before they could send him home. Feroz is special. He survived 2 operations despite being on the risk list. He was a mere 754 grams and on his 5th day of life, the drs found out that he had a hole in his intestines which was causing air to escape into his stomach. For an adult, this is something minor but for a premature baby, this was a serious condition and he might die should the surgery go wrong. We rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night, signed the papers and I watched him being pushed into the OT, spread-eagled. He was so tiny and I was not sure if he could survive the operation.
My husband, on the other hand, was positive and absolutely sure that Feroz was a fighter. He never gave up once and never lose faith. Whenever someone asked us about Feroz, he would answer chirpily. "He's absolutely fine, we are just waiting for him to grow."
Throughout his stay in the hospital, we visited him daily, my husband twice a day though. He would go down during his lunch time to see Feroz through his incubator, and talked to him. Because my first son was only 8months then, I only visited him at night.
He thrived but about 2 months after his colostomy, he had a prolapse. This caused him to be so cranky and to lose weight quite substantially. His surgeon then decided to close up the colostomy but they were quite afraid that this might lead to hernia which we KIV for almost a year after he came out from the hospital. Thankfully, all operations were successful and Feroz hernia closed up by itself thus surgery was quite unnecessary.
When Feroz came back from the hospital, I was determined to treat him just like a normal baby. He was extremely small and he still is. My husband felt that he was special and ought to be treated gently and with sensitivity. I was against that. My first son was barely 1yr old when Feroz came back from the hospital. I did not want him to feel left out since we would be giving more attention to Feroz. I started treating both equally. Most of the time, Feroz was treated just like Naseer, my elder son.
My husband was a little more attentive to Feroz and sometimes, I felt that he was unfair towards Naseer, often getting Naseer to give in to Feroz whims and fancies, so I started paying more attention to Naseer and let my husband do the rest. All this while, my husband was more forgiving when it comes to naughty little things that Feroz did and I hated that because he was not giving Naseer the same treatment. So, I began to be more strict towards Feroz. I would not tolerate his nonsensical tantrums and he would be punished just the same. My husband often felt that I was too harsh towards him and kept reminding me that Feroz was premature. I could not accept that. So what if he was premature, he is a perfectly normal boy. He may be skinny, very hyper and small in size but he is almost 4 and he behaved just like a normal four yr old.
So, both the husband and me continue treating Feroz differently. He, with extreme care and gentleness, and I , never rule out the cane should he gets a little out of hand.
I never realised that what I had done had caused him to feel like I love him less. I sat up the whole night thinking if my way of treating him is any different from the way I treated Naseer and my daughter. Of course as a mother, I would think that I whatever I did was for his good. Not even once, I felt like I had been unfair towards him. Little did I know my actions had a negative effect. God!! What had I done! I certainly hope it's not too late to make a change and patch that open wound. :(
I can vividly see him touching his heart and saying "Because I can feel it here." *teary-eyed*

Excuse me, are you Shitting?

I find it strange that some poeple do not really think before deciding on a name for their kids. I have come across a few names that firstly, I find hard to pronounce and secondly, with meanings that leave you looking uncomfortably at each other.
I have come across a Chow Chee, translated meaning "Smelly Cunt", this name belongs to an old lady who frequents the clinic I used to moonlight in. Each time she comes in, she would scribble her name on a piece of paper and then whispered to anyone on duty, "When it's my turn, dont call me, just wave and I"ll go in." On days when I feel like getting into trouble, I just could not control the urge to call out loudly "Smelly c***, it's your turn to see the dr."
There was also a classmate whose name is Shiting. Each time she raised her name to seek permission to go to the toilet, we'd say "Shiting going shitting." She was embarrassed by all the attentions she was getting, but after a while she kind of got used to it and sort of bask in the limelight of having a shitty name. *roll eyes*.
And then, there was a Mr Hughcock which I by mistake pronounced as Huge Cock, which left him quite flattered I supposed, but he did correct me smilingly and said, "that's actually Hew-Go, not huge cock." Oohhh, I was disappointed.
Many other names too, especially Malay names. I have known a Pungot Bin Sampah (Pick s/o Rubbish), Isnin Bin Rabu (Monday s/o Wednesday) and Che'pon (female banshee).
I often wonder what were their parents thinking when they submitted their names to be registered. What about themselves?
If it was me who was a Shitting or a Rubbish, I'll get a deed poll done as soon as I know the meanings to my name.

Please honey...hit me only once a week.

Got this from the Malay papers today. Translated to English for the benefit of my English-speaking bloggers. *wink*

An Iranian woman sued her husband in court and requested for the judge to instruct him to hit her only once a week and not every night.
"My husband is an abusive man and he hit me nightly. I thought he would stop after the birth of our baby, but he became even worse." said the lady who prefers to be known only as Maryam J, as reported by the Teheran papers, Mardomsalari.
"I dont want a divorce or compensation. My husband is abusive by nature. I just want him to promise me that he'll hit me only once a week." said the woman, causing quite an uproar amongst the judges and those present in court.
When the husband was questioned, he admitted that he had been hitting her every night. "I hit her because a wife should fear the husband. In this way, she will grow to respect me more. " said the husband, who's name is not revealed.
According to the report, the judge had the husband write a letter promising not to hit his wife. ..AFP

I dont know who is the bloody asshole here, the wife or the husband???!!!

EEEEEUUWWWWWWW!!! MOMMY!!!!!!

Yup...that was how my son screamed yesterday when he was taking his bath. I almost jumped out of my skin. I thought he fell or there was a flying cockroach in the bathroom. I ran in to see him eye wide, staring at me, screaming then he said "I've got balls! I've got balls! They are running under my skin!"
I did not know what he was talking about until I noticed he was holding onto his scrotum, and that was what he was talking about. He must have been cleaning and washing himself there when he realised that there were "runnng balls" in there.
I don't know whether to laugh or be irritated. He really got me worried there, thinking that he might have swallowed the marbles in the bathroom. I did not realise that his scrotum was making him almost berserk. So, being the helpless one in biology. I got the husband to do all the explaining.
So, I heard him say " No, those are not balls, well actually you can call them that but it's part of a BOY'S body,.."
oopss, wrong word. "So, you dont have balls daddy? You are a MAN."
"No, I do, I have everything that you have, just that mine is of a different size." (Oh yes, I can vouch for that.)
"Oh, that I know daddy because you are bigger than me. But I dont like having balls down there. It's like something you can kick."
"Actually, the word for it is scrotum."
"Scrotum? Scrotum? Eeeeeeuwwwww, it sounds so eeeeuuuwwww."
"What's so eeuuwww about that?"
"I dont know. It's just so funny. Why must I have it any way?" heehee..this was what I was waiting for.
"Errrrr...for something you need when you are big like me."
"Oh, ok. What will I need?"
"Babies?"
"Oh, like you and Mummy need me, Feroz and sis."
"Yup."
"Oh, so the babies come out from my balls?'
"No, babies come out from the Mummy. You will grow up to be like me, a Daddy."
"But why do I need my balls when the baby come out from Mummy."
"Because without your balls there will be no baby."
"Ohh...ok."
And that ended the conversation. I wished he had asked more and put my husband in a spot. But the conversation ended there, just short of it getting a little spiced up.
I guess my husband was lucky. Cant wait for the time when he'll start asking about what's in the balls. Heehee.

My mom-in law.

She's back. After a long 10months. She went back to India and this time she spent 4 months longer than she usually did. I had mixed feelings when I heard that she was coming back. My mom in law and I have a love-hate relationship. Not that I blamed her. It's hard when you dont speak the same language and you have different values plus a clash of cultures.
I remembered when I first stayed in her house, she was so threatened by the presence of another woman and she did not like whatever changes I introduced. Well, I dont think that I was too blatant but I began to realise that it was her space and so I stopped making simple changes, like putting table cloth instead of newspapers on the kitchen cabinet.
My mom in law is different, at times I find her strange. She often had a faraway look in her eyes and is forever chewing her lips. Her eyes is lifeless and she looks lost most of the time. She is also quick tempered and sometimes, I think she is senile. As I got closer to her, I found out about her loss. She lost 2 daughters. One before my husband. She was 8months pregnant and the baby died in her stomach. Another lived till 1 1/2yr old and died due to a sickness. That was what my husband told me. But she told me a different story. They were having some function in India when the child left of the house. They only realised that she was missing and when they found her, she was dead. I felt a lot of sadness whenever I think about this.
She still kept a picture of the baby that lived for that short one year plus. A chubby, beautiful girl with a mole on her left cheek. I knew that she blamed herself for her daughters' death. She had often wondered if fate would have been kinder to her if she had not brought the baby to India. But I guess we cant fight fate and sometimes, things are just not meant to be. However, these had never shattered her faith in God. I cant say the same about myself.
Last night, she still had that faraway look in her eyes and was still chewing on her lips. Dh is 34, and yes, time flies, but I guess she never did let go.
Maybe, somewhere deep inside, there will always be a void.

Rain! Rain...go away.

I get extremely nervous whenever it starts to rain when I am about to leave the office. Being the klutz I am, I can never get through rain unscathed. I would either get drenched or ended up in a puddle; tripped and if it happened to be windy, my umbrella would fly in the air.
I am totally lost when it rains. And each time, the sky threatened me with dark clouds, I'll start praying real hard that it will clear very soon. Especially after work coz I have to fetch my boys from the child care center and it's no joke balancing an umbrella with 2 boys. Ok, here's the list of my accidents on rainy days:

- My umbrella decided that it was not going to take the downpour and gone lopsided, so I was drenched.
- A puddle totally covered a drain and I ended up in one.
- A near accident coz vision was affected and I did not see the approaching car.
- Slipped on wet floor causing a gash on my shin

These are to name a few, but the worse was when I was with my 2 boys and slipped at the bus stop when a bus was coming. I was carrying one boy and holding onto the hand of another, so when I slipped, they fell forward with me onto the road. A samaritan was fast enough to pull us up onto the safety of the bus shelter. I could not imagine what would happen if he was a second slower.

Well, the clouds look like it's going to clear and I'll be making my way home soon. Please, please God, let this journey home with the boys be an uneventful one should it rain.

Prison Pete

Did any of you visit Prison Pete's blog. I find it hard to believe that he had personally written all those things and got a friend to deliver it in a blog. But I am impressed by his knowledge. Whoever prison pete is, he is one smart ass.
Do pay his blog a visit . www.prisonpete.blogspot.com

Sour grapes??

I just dont know what to say. I am so pissed at some people who think that money can buy the world. People who are shallow minded who feel that the lower income group are missing out a lot in life.
I happen to be from the lower income group and I dont think that I am short changed in any way. I dont need that holiday, that new top thats in fashion. I dont need a car, I dont need to spend hundreds to straighten my hair. I am contented with what little my husband can afford. I feel that whatever it is, nothing can buy his love and his generosity.
I know that when he reads postings that compares what one has and what one does not have, he feels like he has done injustice to us. I hate when people brag about what their husbands can afford to give them. I just think that such people should just shut up and enjoy their luxuries in silence.
Dont question others contentment and speak about what we are lacking. Money can buy material wealth but money cant buy love, sincerity and kindness. I dont think my kids lack anything as compared to yours and I dont think that your kids are above mine in any way.
You will never be satisfied with what you have because you are always wanting for more. Nothing is ever enough and your need to always compare with others will be your downfall in the end.
Now, let me go and enjoy the 50cents doughnuts that my husband bought for me this afternoon while you ate your caviar. Hope you dont choke on them.

Why

A lot of times, I dont know whether we, as parents are to blame when a child goes wayward.
I spoke to my brother in law and I found out so many hidden skeletons. My brother in law broke down so many times when he talked about my niece. His tone was mostly filled with disappointment and regret. He sounded so tired of life. He talked about the reason why he remarried, to give his children the motherly love that they lacked. He mentioned his obsession with making money to give them a good life but never realised that he had inadvertently neglected them instead. He talked about putting them in his mom's care because she was more lenient and forgiving, never realising that these traits were abused and gave disastrous results.

He told me the truth.

My nephew is now serving his time in jail because he was involved in some gang-fights. All the talk about his serving National Service was all lies in his bid to hide the shame. Sad, so sad...the little boy that I used to babysit and cradle and shower his face with kisses and hugs. The little boy that I brought to school with me and showed off to my friends because he was so intelligent and so good looking. Where had all the innocence gone to?

His daughter, my niece, was not disowned. She was asked to leave after being disrespectful towards her grandmother and now, she is leaving with a friend of her dad's . Yeah, she lied to me. I should have suspected that. She claimed that she was raped by a black guy but her dad said that it was a boyfriend of hers who had refused to take responsibility. She was no angel, there were attempts to abort which was stopped by her dad and she was given $14,000 last month from her mom's CPF monies to get through this period of time. She told me that she was only given a fraction of that sum and all the money is finished after paying for the hospital bills and baby's expenses. I am not sure what to believe now. She was not alone in the hospital. They were there for her throughout. She lied.

At 18, I think she is still a baby. That she cant get through all these alone. But I really am not too sure now.
My brother in law told me that he wished my sister had not died on him. He wished she was still alive, maybe, just maybe, this may not happen at all.

I did not say anything. Who are we to blame when situation went awfully wrong? Fate? Even though I did not say it to him, I too, silently wished that my sister was very much alive to make everything right all over again.

Losing her is as good as losing the whole family.

Guilty.

I dont know what to feel. I met a relative yesterday and she told me that my niece has given birth to a baby girl 4 months ago. This is my dead sister's daughter. She is 18 and she is a single mom. Okay, I can live with that. I am so ever grateful that she kept the baby, at least. But I was so sad to hear that she was disowned by my brother in law and had been chased out of the house.
I dont know what to say. I want to cry but I cant. My heart is so heavy and I am feeling so guilty. I am her aunt and yet I was kept in the dark, maybe it's because we starting drifting apart since my sister died and my brother in law remarried.
I had no choice but to call her last night. She was shocked that I knew about it and she refused to meet up. She said that she was too ashamed to face me. I wanted to cry with her but I just could not. What's wrong with these people? Yes, she made a mistake but she faced it and kept the baby. And they are worried about saving face!! So what if people will talk about it. You cant stop their tongues from wagging anyway. At least she did the right thing!
She told me that she went to the hospital on her own, delivered the baby via c-section and she went through all these without anybody by her side. She had some money from my late sister's Central Provident Fund (CPF) and she used the monies to pay the hospital and stuff for the baby. I felt so sad. How could one leave a girl like that to fend for herself? Gosh!! She is your flesh and blood!!
She told me dhe did not know who to turn to. I told her to meet me and we can discuss things. I can arrange for some help for her through those single mom organisations but she was afraid that they would take her baby away. Her exact words to me, "No way! They'll take my baby away. I cant let them do that. She is the only thing I am living for. Please dont call them and tell them my plight. Please. I need my baby."
Last night I cried myself to sleep.

I am currently reading a biography of Abdullah Yusuf Ali, an interpreter of the Holy Quran. I am so in awe by his literary talents. If only I could write like that. *dream on* Here is one of his work :

Palestine
What joys and sorrow, laughter, tears
Are woven in thy web of life?
What thrills of mingled hopes and fears?
What tragic dreams of love and strife?
What statecraft plots have scarred thy brow?
O Holy Land of Palestine!
O Land of Peace! Say when and how,
In this strange days can peace be thine?
One way alone can bring thee peace:
That ancient rights be not suppressed
That aliens from encroachments cease,
And Quds be given its rightful rest.

It's gone!!

I am so pissed. Just wrote a nice writeup and as usual, I dont have the habit of saving and so blogger ate them all. *Sigh*..now I have to wait for the idea to flow again.

Unique's Blog

If you are interested to read more about Unique, please pay her blog a visit at
www.jinxiaoyang.blogspot.com

You'll be amazed. :)

Writing About Unique.

Writing about Unique was not easy. I could not seem to organise my train of thoughts and on numerous occasions, I had to delete what I wrote because it sounded like I was rambling.
And when I finally caught on with the momentum and the mood, the system hang. I was not fast enough to save the information and lost it all. Then, I sat down and faced the pc for quite some time before the idea flowed again, Then my dear hubby had to crossed over to the bathroom and tripped over the wire and the whole system was shut. I almost killed him.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I managed to write it all down.
I am not sure if it was just coincidental or some outside forces were preventing me from writing.
Well, after all, I was writing about Unique, and she is indeed different.