Pea Brain Mummy!

After so many months, I decided to fetch the boys from their Islamic school today. I have promised them that they would get a new set of coloring books and some story books and found out from my mom's helper that there is a Pasar Malam (bazaar) just around their school area. It would be nice to fetch the boys and let them choose their own set of books. They can choose another set for Zaza too.

So, I left home and went to fetch them. The stall selling the books was right under the block where their class was being held. So, before going up to fetch them, I browsed through some books and was amazed at how cheap they were. They had some books on dinosaurs, our planets and volcanoes. Naseer will love the three books above. To save time, I decided to just grab the books first and go home straight. Farah was asleep when I left and I just did not want to risk her waking up crying since I did not pump my milk.

I went up to the cashier but unfortunately he did not have change for my $50 and he told me to come back later. I went up to fetch the boys.

As I waited, dark clouds gathered and I started to panic. I looked at the time on my handphone. It was 12.10pm and yet they were not dismissed yet. I waited for another 10minutes and it started drizzling. Great!! It had to rain when I did not bring their raincoats or any umbrellas. The boys were dismissed at 12.25pm and by then, the rain was pouring..I started to panic. Remember my fear of the rain.

Anyway, I decided to quickly grab the books and wait a while till the rain stops before going home. Sadly, the rain did not stop. It got heavier and the boys got fidgety. My handphone rang and my mom was telling me to hurry home coz Farah was howling. I could hear her screaming in the background. I decided to buy an umbrella and take a cab home. Before that, I was watching the road and saw a few cabs going past. So, I got an umbrella big enough for all 3. I slinged both the boys' bags on my shoulder, carried Feroz, held Naseer's hand tightly and with an umbrella we waited at the roadside.

BIG MISTAKE!!

We were drenched despite the umbrella and both the boys started shivering due to the cold. We waited for a cool 20minutes and there were no cabs available!! I was getting desperate. My handphone vibrated a few more times and I was hoping that my mom would do something to keep Farah occupied.

I gave up waiting for the cab and we rushed back into the bazaar for shelter. Just at that moment, 2 empty cabs wheezed past and I exclaimed the "F" word out loud. The boys heard me and Naseer asked, "Who farted mommy?" Phew...thank God he did not hear me correctly.

Anyway, we tried getting the cab again in the rain coz I did not learn my lesson and after waiting another 15minutes, I decided to cross the road and we took the bus home. We were home within 5 minutes. Should have done that from the very beginning. I was so dumb! There was shelter all the way to the bus stop opposite and I totally forgot about that. Instead, stupid me risked both my boys getting sick again by making them stand in the rain waiting for a cab. See, I am the type that can never think straight when I am desperate. Stupid, stupid me!!

Now, I have to pray hard that the 2 boys do not catch cold again. They just recovered a couple of days back. So dumb of me!!

Anyway, I just got to post this. No prizes for guessing whose hair this is. *grin*

My Zahra

Zaza has been quite a challenge lately. She is usually a loving girl. She often makes me happy. When I was working, she would always be the first to greet me at the door with a hug and a kiss when I reached home and then she would rush to the room to take my homedress out for me to wear.

Well, she is still that lovable girl but she has adopted a lot of Feroz' irritating habits like shouting, talking nonsense, fighting and most recently, talking back. Yup, she is becoming as rude as Feroz and I am getting more impatient with her nowadays.

She adores Farah and often want to kiss and hug her but today, she almost poked her finger up Farah's nose because that was what Feroz attempted to do yesterday. I told her not to and she mimicked every single word I said including my actions. I put her on ignore mode and she got upset and threw her usual tantrums, kicking and stamping and rolling herself on the floor. She could go on for an hour if noone stops her.

Anyway, as you know, I am still nursing Zaza and of late, she decided to take ownership of my left breast, meaning that Farah is not allowed to nurse on my left breast in her presence. And if she saw me nursing Farah there, she would insist that I pull my nipple out and let her latch on instead. If not, she would scream and kick and if this happens at night, she will wake the whole house up.

It has been so tiring and I am getting by on a few hours of sleep every day. I have to wake up every hour or so to nurse each child, sometimes both at the same time, that I am like a zombie in the morning when I wake up to prepare breakfast for the spouse. I am drinking 2 cups of coffee to get me by.

But despite all this, I am still one happy mommy coz each morning when Zahra wakes up from sleep, she will rush to the kitchen to look for me, hug me tightly round my legs and say the magic word, "I love my Mommy!"

So really, who cares about that panda eyed and lack of sleep and tantrums. I think I am getting more in return.

Tomorrow...just a day away but.

Yesterday, my sister went back to Jakarta. She was here for almost 4 weeks, I cant believe how time flies.

She cried before she left. Before that, I was teasing her about how it's gonna pour when she was going to leave the house. She told me that she would not cry but she lost. She cried so much. I should have bet a few bucks there.

I am a crybaby. But I dont like to cry over goodbyes. And when someone close leave for somewhere, I'd rather say "See you soon." than "Goodbye". Goodbye almost has a "wont see you anymore" connotation attached to it. It's a negative word.

But after she took the cab and I looked on as the cab moved ahead and out of sight, I felt a tightening in my tummy. I wanted to cry too. I know I am going to miss her. She may be coming back for Eid in November and I am urging her to come back in December as well during the school holidays, but it is never the same as having her here all the time.

I know I have said it, but I am going to say it again, I will miss her. And my greatest fear is what if tomorrow never comes.

My Power Rangers Kids

Today, the boys are at home coz they are down with flu. Zaza is running a fever too but she has been kind, she was not cranky at night when her fever was quite high.

In the morning, they were sitting quietly playing with each other when Zaza came in the room and told me this, "Mummy, from today onwards, I am known as Tori. You can call me Tori, Blue Ranger or Power Ranger. Dont call me Zaza or Zahra anymore because I have changed my name. Naseer is Blake and Feroz is Hunter." I just mumbled an ok and went out to the living room to watch them play.

They were fighting! Jumping onto each other and following the Power Rangers' stunts. Little Zaza, oops, I mean Tori was also beating her brothers up.

I dont understand. If all three are Power Rangers, then shouldn't they be fighting the monsters or the evil ones and helping each other. But, they were beating each other up like they were enemies. So I pointed this out and Blake told me, "We are possessed by the evil monsters, that's why we are hitting each other."

So, I went to the room and took a cane and threatened the,, "Yeah, now I am possessed by the evil monsters' mother. If you dont stop hitting each other, the evil monsters' mother will cane you."

And again, all scampered to under the table and I heard Blake say, "Good! Mummy is learning fast."

Happy Birthday Kirsten Tasha.

Last year, this day, My best friend delivered the most beautiful baby in the world.

Today, she turns 1 and my friend had a small gathering amongst close friends and family to celebrate it. Initially, I intended to make a pinata and cookies for the family but my friend decided against having any games due to some inconvenience and so there were no games. But we still had a jolly good time, except when Feroz decided that the fish in the pond needed some company and threw pebbles at them (thank god, my best friend's father in law did not see that) and when the spouse noticed that the dog was starting to fear for it's life, we decided to make a move before anymore damage is done.

Anyway, here is a picture of the birthday girl. Isnt she adorable??!!

Rotigirl???!!!

Farah had her BCG and Hep B 1st dose jabs today at the polyclinic. Her weight was less than 1915gms upon discharge, so the hospital did not give her the jabs.

Today, her weight has increased to 2555gms (plus soiled diaper and clothes on), so she had her BCG on her left arm and Hep B on her left thigh. How she screamed!! The attending staff nurse was amazed by her strength given her small size and puny weight.

Anyway, I purchased a dozen Rotiboy (a butter bun baked with coffee cream on it) for the kids and my parents. It has a strong coffee aroma, so when we were in a cab home, the driver asked if I purchased some coffee since the aroma was so strong. I told him that it was the Rotiboy and he asked me what it was so I explained and here's what he said,
"Wow! There are all kinds of buns nowadays. This Rotiboy you are talking about, I believe it must have been a man who first decided to bake it because men love coffee so this guy must have decided to put the coffee cream on it. I cant wait for a Rotigirl. This one will have CHERRY on it since women love cherries."

Err...I was a bit stunned. I dont see the connection between men and coffee but women and cherries, yes, but I thought cherry is a term one use to describe a woman's uhmm....you know where. I dont think I will eat a Rotigirl then coz I'd rather have my Rotigirl laced with BANANA CREAM rather than cherry for obvious reasons.

I think either this cab driver was trying to be funny or really, he know nuts what he was talking about.

Rotigirl....anyone?

Happy Birthday to my Blog!

I have been bugging my sister to start a blog. She refused but I feel that she has a lot more to tell and say than I do. She said that her life is not an open book. Even if it is, it is not as interesting as many others'.

I beg to differ. I feel that if anyone has a life that is more fulfilling, heartbreaking, more *sob* stories as well as happy endings to share, it has to be her. I think bottling it all up inside without really sharing a wee bit here and there eats into you. My sis then said that she has no time and does not know what to write. She said, "What if no one reads my blog?"

That sets me thinking. When I started off, it was to relive the good old days when I was so dependent on a diary to pen down my daily happenings and frustrations and happiness. Then, I knew that whatever I wrote will have to be "sieved" before I could really post the story here coz some things are far too personal to share with others. On the other hand, I knew that I wanted some kind of audience too, to feedback, to share with me their thoughts, good or bad. I also use this avenue to cherish friendships that I feel worth keeping and friends that I feel has been by my side throughout. Some people has found me too wishy-washy, some thought that I was an ass-licker in some of the posts I have written but really, that's just the way I express myself. At times, some feelings I feel are just too overwhelming that putting it in words may not justify my actual emotions.

But now, one year down the road (yes, it's been a year since I started this blog), I realised that this blog is one thing that I turn too should I feel any pain or dissatisfaction that I need to address. I also know that people who cares read what I write and give me the comfort I need, just by writing down their words.

Yup, my blog is a year old this month and this whole year, I have made more good friends than I ever did in my whole 33years of life.

To my blogger friends and good friends who follow my blog, thank you!

And to my sister, "Someone will read your blog. And your blog will eventually capture an audience big enough that you will find that each day, it is your blog and the other bloggers who often comment, share your joys and pains, that keep you going day by day."

Damn the man!!

Someone I know who has been married for almost 20 years was telling me about her marital problem just a while ago. Her husband has been having an affair for a few years already and is seeking her permission to marry the other woman. He wants to keep 2 wives and she refused to give him the permission he needed.

She often speaks to me about her problem but today when she spoke, she did not even shed a tear. I told her that I felt she has cooled down so much and she told me that the heart felt numb and she just could not cry anymore.

Her husband is not good looking, not rich and is not even charming so what is it about him that attracted the other woman so much? I have seen the other woman, he ever brought her home when his wife was at work and really, she is not as attractive as his wife. At least his wife is slim, she cooks well and really cares for the children. The other woman is short, fat and unattractive. So what was it about her that appeals so much to this man. I bet it must be the sex. I mean, man cant really forget a good sex can they?

Anyway, what's with men and affairs? You have a good wife that waits on you,cooks for you piping hot meal every day and takes care of the household without even asking your help and you still seek entertainment outside the home. Yet, when she asked for a divorce, you refused to grant her that. He even took her identification card for fear that she would go to court to seek divorce or she would go out seeking for a job. He still wants her to feel like she is dependent on him thus cannot live without him.

So, evil me gave her the best idea since she has access to her passport. She still can request for divorce since she has evidence he committed adultery (an sms from the other woman saying that she had slept with him).

Really, I dont want to get involved. But it is really sad when someone tells you their woes almost every week for the past 3 years or so.

She sets me thinking too, what if I was in her shoes? I know that I can never live with a man knowing of his infidelity. I wish the spouse and I will never come to that.

Depression

I am 3 weeks into my maternity leave and slowly I can feel depression creeping in. I dread to think that I have only 9weeks left with my kids and 9weeks left totally at home taking care of them.

I am enjoying every minute at home right now, totally breastfeeding Farah, playing with Zaza and being so totally pissed with the boys. I feel like resigning. I think my previous 2 1/2 years stint as a SAHM has done more harm than good. I cannot take a break anymore, especially when I have a little baby in my arms all day long. I just dont think I can go back to work.

Told the spouse about it. He said "I'll work something out." Aaah, I wish he will do that soon. :(

Flashback

One month after delivering Feroz, the spouse had to go to Indonesia for a business trip. I was in agony. It was hard travelling to the hospital all alone without a shoulder to cry on. And I would get so upset if there was even a slight decrease in Feroz' weight. He was still intubated and in the incubator so I could not touch him for fear of passing any infection. The spouse knew that I could not take any bad news then so he got a good friend to accompany me to the hospital for that 2 days.

The plan was his friend waited for me at the hospital and would then dropped me off at home. I had to travel by cab coz I was transporting the expressed breast milk (ebm) and I did not want it to thaw before I reached the hospital.

I was glad to see the spouse' friend waiting for me at the taxi stand of the hospital. We walked to the NICU and he made small talk. I guessed he knew that I was quite upset and tried to lighten things up. He waited for me outside coz he could not go in and I spent an hour standing in front of the incubator, just watching Feroz. It was then that the nurse came and told me that Feroz weight had dropped quite substantially. I was so worried, so scared. If this continued, would he live? He looked so tiny and helpless and with all the needles poking him everywhere, he was quite a sight. I started crying quietly.

It was then that I felt a strong wind blowing at my face and an invisible hand rubbing the left side of my face. I stepped back and slapped that hand away. I turned around and saw no one. The nurses were busy with the other babies and no one noticed what was happening to me. I brought my hands to my face and rubbed it. It was the that I realised that the left side of my face felt numb. I also felt an awkward upwards pull of my lips on that same side. I turned and looked at my hazy reflection on the incubator. I could make out that my face was contorted. I did not know what to do. I left the NICU and went to find the spouse' friend.

When I came out, I immediately told him "Look at my face!" It came out, "Look eh mah fay!" Oh My God!! My speech was slurred! My tongue felt like it was in knots and I could not articulate my words. I burst out crying. Dont tell me I was suffering from stroke.

I remembered thinking, "Please God! Dont let me suffer from stroke. Not now! Even if I do then, let it be just on my face and not my limbs or left side of my body. Feroz needed the ebm and if anything happen to me now, where is he gonna get his milk from. And Naseer is only 9months old. They need me as much as I need them. Please God! Please!"

The spouse' friend tried to console me but I asked him to drive me home instead. When I got home, the spouse called and I spoke to him, crying. He could hear that my speech was slurred and he decided to cut short his business trip and took the next flight home. My mom was worried, she started taking oil, massaging me all over my body, legs, arms, while I just sat there, hugged Naseer and cried.

She kept on nagging that I had pushed myself to the limit after delivering Feroz. Not thinking of my health. But how could I when I had a 26weeker fighting for his life in the NICU. Slowly, after the massage, I felt my facial nerves relaxed and the numbness on the left side was gone. I stood and faced the mirror and realised that my face was not contorted upwards anymore. I spoke and my speech was not slurred. Then as suddenly as it came, I felt a kind of coldness slowly leaving my face, going upwards to my head and then it was gone. Just like that. My face felt warm again.

I went to my mom and she hugged me and kissed me. The spouse got back home that night and he told me that he suddenly felt very uncomfortable and decided to call home that day. I was glad he did.

Till today, I still did not know what happened to me. Could it be Bell's Palsy? If it was, then will I ever suffer from it again? I did not see the dr after that. I did not see the need to. Maybe I should but at that point of time, nothing else seemed more important than just making sure that I was there for Feroz till he came back home.

Noone in the family talked about that incident after that day. Not even the spouse.

Farah

Farah means Joy in Arabic. And this little girl has brought nothing but joy to our entire family. Here's a pic for all! :)

Walk down memory lane.

My first sis, Nisa, is back. She will be on leave and here till the 21st. She came on the 30th of June, surprising us all coz we did not expect her back till the first week of July.
She is so funny. She speaks with a slight Indonesian slang, her hair is golden brown with highlights of blonde, she dresses like a rich Indonesian socialite. LOL!! I was teasing her all the way. She is everything I am not, we are so different and yet we are so happy to be sitting there laughing about old times.

She reminded me of the time when a grandfather clock fell on my head. Yup, the face of the clock was the same size as the cicumference of my head and it fitted oh so nicely when it dropped that I looked like I had a new hat in style. Nonetheless, though it hurt like mad then coz I was bleeding and my head throbbed so badly that night, we had a good laugh and mom insisted that it could have contributed to me being more senile and unstable up there as compared to rest of the siblings.

Then, we went on to talk about the time when my second sis, Noor, and I tied Nisa up while she was asleep and we painted her whole face with black paint. She woke up before we completed our masterpiece and was screaming and struggling so much that mom got so mad coz she was entertaining guests then and hit us with a buxom. Nisa had a hard time cleaning her face and I remembered that she was pretty dark for a few days after that.

And this was really classic. Mom just got back from the market and we were all playing outside. Nisa called me in, gave me a plastic bag and mumbled something.I was mad that my playtime was interrupted, so I was not listening and I thought mom had bought something for the neighbour so I went opposite and gave the plastic bag to the neighbour. Came back home and was shocked to find out that Nisa had actually given me rubbish to throw. I felt so embarrassed. Mom was so mad and of course, we all got caned coz mom said that we did not listen and sent all 4 of us, crying and sobbing, to the neighbour's house, to seek forgiveness. Of course, the neighbour was a real nice old lady with 3 daughters and they knew that it was not done on purpose, and even if it was, we were just kids then and it was forgivable.

Come to think of it, the spouse told me that it was no wonder our kids are naughty, it came from my genes. Well, I was not that naughty, was I?

Naughty is spelt as FEROZ.

Spend early afternoon at the in laws and mom in law cooked a storm. We had coconut rice, chicken kurma, fried chicken, fried fish, some raw salad and pickled cucumber with parsley. Good meal and she was kind to me. Maybe because I just delivered.

Now, home while my mom took the 3 kids to a a religious teacher's place coz my nephew just finished reading the Quran and so we are having a small celebration at her place which is just at the opposite block. I allowed my mom to bring all 3 kids just because they are so near, so if anyone of them screw up, my mom can just send them home.

No prizes for guessing who got sent home first.....and within 15 minutes after leaving home. *Sigh*.

I really dont know what to do with this little Feroz of mine. Seems like he was messing up the neighbour's cd rack, microphone etc and was making a lot of noise. I could hear him from home, mind you. He was crying so much when they sent him home that my mom called again after a while to ask if it was ok for her to come and fetch him again. I only let him go after he promised to be good. Keeping my fingers crossed.

He has been quite a challenge recently and has been rude and extremely verbally abusive. He called me stupid yesterday. I was fuming mad but I refrained from caning him. Strange he used that word when we hardly use this word at home. Funny, this boy hates me. He would say that he loves everyone in the house except me, and then would give me a side glance and pursed his lips. He would hug everyone except me and he would get food for everyone else except me. Can you imagine how I feel? I am his Mommy ok, and I cried the most when he was in the hospital for almost 4 months. Asked the spouse why he hated me so much and the spouse was not helpful at all, told me to give the boy a break, he's only 4 after all. Correction! He will be 5 in October and despite his size, he is a big boy and can be quite cunning at times. The spouse said that it could be because I was too strict with him and that was why he was rebelling. But, he is so, so, so, so NAUGHTY!! Someone has to be strict with him.

I wish I could tape whatever happens in my house for at least 1/2 an hour when he is home and play it here. You can hear practically everyone in the house shouting "Feroz! Dont! Stop!" or "Aishah! Look what Feroz has done!" every 2-3 minutes. And most of the time, he did cause some damage.

I think we have to go book an appointment with Dr Lim again when he reach 5. Hope it's not too late by then.

Introducing Baby Farah!!

Yes, my body failed me again and I delivered Farah at 34weeks on 26th June at 1158hrs. She weighs exactly 2000gms and is 44cm tall. Thank God everything went well and she was home on her 8th day. Actually she was released against the hospital's will because I insisted on bringing her back. Her weight went down to 1915gms and the hospital had wanted to keep her till she went back up to 2000gms. The spouse and I did not see any reason why they should keep her any longer since that was the ONLY concern.
So, on Sunday we signed the papers and brought her back.
I am so sorry for not posting earlier. Been so overwhelmed with my daily trips to hospital to send the expressed breast milk and now that baby is back home, could hardly find time posting.
Will definitely get back online once I am more settled.
To all those who smsed me, I apologized if I did not return your calls or messages when I was in the hospital coz the handphone battery went flat.
To the rest, thank you for your well wishes. :)