I am just thinking about the frequency of my updates in my blog. I wish I have more time to do it. Things have been happening and most of the times, these evoked my feelings to the utmost that I could not really fathom.
I was just looking through my old diaries recently. I had so many memories, good and bad, and things that happened in my life before were simply hilarious and provoking at the same time.
I sat back and asked if I was really that person back then and I had to do some check with some people who were involved in the previous incidents just to confirm that some things really happened.
Strangely, they affirmed it and through some distant memory, I began to recall some things which I had totally forgotten.
I want to share this entry I made in my diary back in Dec 2000. At that point of time, I remembered that I was in my lowest pit.
"Dear Diary, H came running into the room sobbing. I was pumping as usual and since I did not want to affect the flow I just avoided looking at her. She cried so much I began to wonder if something had happened to her son. Aiyah, can imagine how uncomfortable I felt, so might as well stop pumping and just ask her what the hell is making her cry like that right.
She said something that really made me hate God!!
J's baby just died. J's 29 weeker little girl whose weight was barely 500grams died. That little girl who was born too early, too small, too sick just died. Just like that, she died!
SHE DIED DIARY!! SHE DIED!!
You must be wondering why it affected H so much right? Because H has been pumping and donating her milk to J's baby. J had not enoough milk and H had volunteered to spare some bottles of her milk for J's baby to help improve her immunity, grow faster and get better faster.
"Is it because of my milk Aishah? Is it? If it was, then please, please God forgive me!" Of course it was not because of her milk. It was because J's baby was too small and too sick and too early, and God decided to take her away!
But why did God let that happen? How could HE do that to a little baby?! I am so angry with God! He made cute little babies, make them kick in their mummies tummies and then He let them come out early, sick and take them away??? Why cant He just do that to sickos adults who do not deserve to live?! Why must He do that to little babies who are so innocent? To teach their parents a lesson? Well, if that was His intention, then He is doing a damn good job!
You hear me God?? You are doing one damn good job!! You know damn well where to hurt us the most right?? Did You think by doing that, it will make us realise and bring us closer to you? Well, if that was the case, then You think wrong God!! You just made us question your existence and if You are fair after all!! How could you do that?? She was just a little baby!
Diary, I was so sad I had to leave the room. I sat in the food court the whole afternoon coz I know that J would come into the room and I just could not face her.
I am so angry with God today I did not pray. I want God to know how angry I was! I know He already know that but I just have to retaliate right? Diary, I am tired. I want to sleep."
I was quite shocked with myself when I read that entry. So much anger with God and at that point of time, I did not even think of thanking Him for not taking my son away, instead, I blamed Him for taking another baby away.
Emotions, you give in to them, your heart rules you, not your head.
